funny one liners

I wonder why banks leave their doors wide open but then chain their pens to the table.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I have a face for radio and a voice for facebook..!

son: Mommy, Mommy, can I wear a bra now? I’m 16..
mom: Shut up Albert….

son: Mommy, mommy! I don’t see what’s so hot about watching tv!
mom: Shut up and turn the damn thing on!

I measure my fitness level by whether or not my bath towel still fits around me

In a survey, 9 out of 10 men prefer clever and beautiful
women. The one prefers the other 9
men.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer

Boy: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Girl: yes, but would you stay there…

“Knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Opportunity!”

X: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith
y: Really! What’s the name of his other leg?

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them had salt on it

A dog limps into a saloon, holding one leg off the ground gingerly, and says, “I’m lookin’ for the man… who shot my paw”