Thursday, 31 May 2012

one liners jokes

unwritten rule of the day...avoid eye contact, while eating a banana

I bet if Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would have eaten the snake and not the apple

Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it

Don’t you think it’s time we start referring to flat screen TVs, simply as TVs

cute one liners

I don't mind doing crosswords, but dot to dot puzzles are where I draw the line.

I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

When Zuckerberg’s wife divorces him ... she gets the half of Facebook that has the timeline, Famville, and security settings, leaving a better Facebook for all of us!

let's take a moment to thank our higher power that they didn't create spiders that could fly

good one liners

I'm currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It's called "Bitches and Hoes".

My wife says she is leaving me because because because because becaaaaauuuuuuuuse ... she says I'm obsessed with the Wizard of Oz.


Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas?

sarcastic one liners

Just threw some salt over my shoulder for good luck. I ended up smashing the mirror with the salt shaker.

You know the magic is starting to go out of your marriage when the only see-through thing you wear to bed is a hairnet.

What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario 

Only at McDonalds do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."

great one liners

That awkward moment when you're left alone with someone you just met.

LIKE if you're guilty...
You wash your dishes before putting in the dishwasher.

I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

LIKE if you think every phone should have the same charger. SHARE if you wish it were true :)

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

never argue with an idiot

this post about proverb don't argue with an idiot , or some people also say never argue with an idiot.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

Never argue with an idiot. Bystanders won't be able to tell the difference.

Wise men never argue with fools, because people from a distance can't tell who is who

Never argue with a pig; it just frustrates you and annoys the pig

if you argue with fools, you look like a fool, too.

Friday, 4 May 2012

hilarious one liners

I'm living the dream! I sleep all the time

I caught the Easter Bunny laying eggs. All I've got to say is they're way too small and they don't taste anything like chocolate.

A fool and his money are never around when you need them.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

The boss put a "Conserve Energy" sign in the break room. Guess I better prop my feet up and nap awhile.

cheesy one liners

My biggest problem with the younger generation is I'm not in it

The wife just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt

I've been up all night interrogating an egg... I think he's about to crack.

But, I don't want to do-it-myself. The last time I tried that I ended up superglued to the cat

Hey, you know that compound that freezes off warts? How much would you need to make an entire co-worker disappear?