funny one liners

"When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets."

"A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory."

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."

"An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing."

"Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them."

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it."

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

"Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right."

"How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on."

"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."