Sunday 8 July 2012

jokes funny one liners

I'm in the mood to flood the whole place with uppercuts!!!














I wonder if T-Pain ever buy that girl a drink?.....His cheap self- lying bastard make other girl push on niggas in the club to pop bottles-




















I have a lot of girls in my phone with the last name "FromTheClub".
















Yo mama so fat, when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

funny quotes one liners

No need to be popular just to win someone's heart. Be yourself. Because in someone's eyes, you are already special.










WHAT DID THE PATRIOT PUT ON HIS DRY SKIN? REVO-LOTION


















Back in the day, my father had the best TV Remote of all times. It was me.
















Girl on FB changed relationship status to 'Single'. No one gave a damn. More painful than being dumped.

funny sayings

When you walk into a Spider Web, it's funny how u instantly know kung-fu














I wish people realized that accepting a friend request doesn't mean I'll respond to your chat message.


















American kid:"so, you're from the uk? cool! so do you have tea with the Queen?"
British kid: "Do you go to mcdonalds with Obama?"














Pastor died and went to hell.When he asked for the wrong he had done,the demon said ''You stole a friends status".Let he who has eyes repent.

clean one liner jokes

Do you suppose the inventor of the vibrator heard a voice that said, "If you build it, they will come." 
















What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear. 










You may find this hard to believe, but I found the pot at the end of the rainbow once. I smoked it.








I MUST BE GETTING OLDER . LATELY ALL IM LOOKING FOR IS A ONE NIGHT SIT

extremely funny one liners

Macho law forbids you to admit you are wrong.
















A girl’s weakest moment is after her strongest drink.


















Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.






















An article of attire to be worn on every conceivable occasion - a condom perhaps. 

funny one liners twitter

I YELL OW! . BEFORE I EVEN KNOW I HURT . . JUST IN CASE








I'm planning on opening a religious gym that teaches power walking combined with doorbell ringing and door knocking. I am going to call it Jehovah's Fitness!










The police say they burn the marijuana they confiscate......which would explain the donuts!










My friends threw me a surprise party!!!! They called it an intervention, but hey, I was surprised.....

funny one liners on twitter

Much like Sports Illustrated, once a year summer gives me swimsuit issues.














I've always wanted to go to Switzerland and see what the army does with those little red knives.
















I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.












Where are you Beth Vance? we want you back!



one liners jokes

I HAVE A PERFECT SWIM SUIT BODY BUT I DON'T SHOW IT OFF MUCH BECAUSE ITS KIND OF A HASSLE TO BRING IT UP FROM THE CELLAR
















That 5 second delay when newscasters are talking to foreign correspondents is the only reason I watch the news.













When did things change? Guys want to see a movie about a teddy bear and girls want to see a movie about strippers!


























I'm dipping my pizza in my beer...I think I'm onto something here.









one liners

It's always "Too hard. Too soft. Too short. Too thick." I'm never inviting Goldilocks to another orgy










THE AWSME MOMENT

WHEN THERE ARE NO ONE EXCEPT YOU N UR FRIENDS IN THE CLG N UR SMOKING CIGARETTE IN GAL'S TOILET ROOM.....














Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.












If everyone is laughing, I can't be hurt too badly, right?

funny sayings one liners

WHO SAYS I CAN'T COOK? . YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVEN'T TASTED MY CEREAL.










Facebook: the one site we all criticize, yet couldn't live without.
















They say the early bird gets the worm....Helloooooo tequila!!














The only way my gym membership will next get used will be by identity theft.

really funny one liners

Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish died. It was tragic.










I drink on Sunday to forget that tomorrow is Monday.







There is a new machine at the gym ... Brilliant! but I couldn't take any more after 30 minutes ... I did everything: Kit-Kats, M&M's, Snickers, Chips ...




Welcome to the real internet. Where the men are men, the woman are woman, and the children are the FBI.




Wednesday 27 June 2012

top one liners

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.














Remember: Don't insult the crocodile until after you cross the river.














Old age is nothing to worry about, except if you’re a cheese.






















I don't know about you, but work seems to interfere with my personal life.

funny one liner quotes

Facebook is like Jail, you sit around and waste time, You write on walls and you get poked by people you dont know.




















If you lend someone $10 and never see them again, it was probably money well spent.


















I made a killing in the stock market yesterday. I shot my broker.


















A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

love one liners

if at times life seems to get too tough then turn up the music and grab another beer







whenever i want to fall in love with my books my bed seduces me. . .






If at first you don't succeed, redefine success









Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
















I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.










practice make perfect,nobody perfect....

















silly one liners


I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"
















Yesterday I knew nothing....
today I know that....!!!














Women live longer than men coz they don't have wives ....















Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
















short one liners


Me n My Girlfriend were happy for past 20 years
And then we met....




Don't believe your heart its not on the right side ...







Why do people put designs on toilet paper? It's not like when they wipe their butt there gonna be like Oh my god! a flower!






Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor...?








clean one liners

"If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my ass"














love ,,,what u feel is right,,,




















Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.


















If a Store is Opened 24/7 365 Days a year! Why do they have Locks on the Doors???

one liner quotes

he who dares wins














This guy walk's into a bar........."OUCH" 
















don't talk to me with that look














throwing grenades at bruno mars's girlfriend to see if he is all talk no walk



one liners on life

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
















An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have - the older she gets the more interested he is in her.










gigidy gigidy gigidy gigidy goo all right










if 1 and 1 is 2 wats 1 and 2 













movie one liners

The word today is legs let's go back to yours and spread the word!!
















Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
















Mommy, Mommy! Why do other kids tell me I have a long nose?

You don't, but lift your head up or you'll scrape the floor.






















if ALL the human race was evolved by monkeys, then wy do only guys have hair on every single part of their body?

stupid one liners

All men should marry ..... after all.... Happiness is not the only thing in the world!!!












The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think
















Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
















Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back

hilarious one liner jokes

If you think paper beats rock ,hold this piece up to your face while I get a rock
















I want u to hav candel-lit dinner wit me and want to say those MAGICAL THREE WORDS to u...

"PAY THE Bill" ;)
















One mystery of life is how a two pound box of candy can make you gain five pounds.


















are you free . No but im very reasonable



funniest one liners

time flies when your throwing watches..














There's about as much privacy in the Digital Age as toothpaste in a henhouse.














at Walmart my son was wearing caouflage pants and i couldnt find him










Santa's mom thought LOL stands for ""lots of love" so she texted her son "Your Grandma just died. LOL."