Thursday, 20 October 2011

funny one liners on women

funny one liners on women

- A good woman will do 70 chores around the house: Cooking and 69.
- Women and rocks are very much alike ... We skip the flat ones.
- A woman will be "Queen of the sewers" if she has accessible manhole.
- Women are like convertibles. They're both more fun with their top down.
- A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.
- Women are like lawn mowers ... If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
- Women are like dollar bills; hard to pickup, but worth the effort.
- Women are like jazz music ... 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.
- What does an electric train toy and a woman's breasts have in common? Both were intended for children but no one can get dad's hands off either of them.

more funny one liners on women

'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

A hard-on does not count as personal growth.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Do I look like a fricking people person?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. 

funny one liners on life

funny one liners on life

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

more funny one liners on life

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

funny one liners on gay

funny one liners on gay

How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your d*ck off on his curtains.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Why do so many gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
Went around blowing fuses.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do d*ck!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?

more funny one liners on gay

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

funny one liners on women

funny one liners on women 

  • I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  • A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  • Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  • Can I trade this job for what's behind door number 1?
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
  • Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.
  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  • Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
  • Never trust a dog to watch your food.
  • Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
  • If At First You Don't Succeed, Blame Someone Else And SeekCounseling.
  • You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.

funny one liners on women

funny one liners on women 

When does a woman care for a man's company?
When he owns it.
How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom,
and an ass to pay for it all.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after creating Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

funny one liners on life of women

funny one liners on life women

  • A woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them". ~ Dumas
  • "The great question... Which I have not been able to, "What does a woman want?"." ~ Freud
  • "I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason." ~ Stanley Baldwin
  • "Whatever women do they must do twice, as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." ~ Charlotte Whitton
  • "A woman is like a tea bag; it's only when she's in hot water that you realize how strong she is." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
  • "Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have the time." ~ Tallulah Bankhead
  • "Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested."
  • "A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own."
  • "With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress."
  • "When a man gets up to speak, people listen, the look. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen."

funny one liners on life

funny one liners on life

I'm new in town, can you give me directions to your flat?
Your daddy must have been a hunter because you're a fox!
Hey, is your dad a terrorist? Cos baby, you're the bomb!
Do you want to go and do what I'm going to tell my mates we did anyway?
I looked up sexy in the dictionary today and your name was listed
I lost my phone number, can I have yours?
Is it hot in here or is it you?
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.
Get your coat love, you've pulled.
I didn't believe in angels until I meet you!
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
You are so hot, its girls like you that are the real reason for global warming
Hi, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized?
Hi, my name's Richard, will you be my Pretty Woman?

funny one liners on men

funny one liners on men 

Are you Jamaican? [No, why?] Coz jer-makin-me-crazy.
I seemed to of lost my number, any chance i could have yours?
Do you believe in love at first sight? or do you think i should walk past again?
I bet your last name must be Jacobs? because I think your a real cracker.
Are you a parking ticket? because you have fine written all over you!
Your name must be Gillette? the best a man can get.
If I could arrange the alphabet I'll put U and I together.
Pick a number between 1 n 10 (3) sorry you lost, you'll have to take off all your clothes.
If you were my homework I'd be doing you rite now all over my desk!
Do you know what'd look fantastic on you?.....ME
Are your legs hurting cos you've been running threw my mind all night long.
Hi I was just curious cuz I saw you noticing me so I'm just given you a notice that I noticed you after you noticed me.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Do you like raisins? well how about a date then?
I may not be Fred Flintstone but I know i could make your BedRock.
Are those trousers made out of Space Shuttle tiles because your ass is out of this world!
Is their an airport around here? because my heart is taking off.
Excuse me do you know how much a polar bear weighs? NO! Answer Me Neith er but it breaks the ice.
If you were a lolly I would be licking you all night!
I may not be the best looking lad here, but hey I'm the only one talking to you!
If you were a bogie I would pick you first.

funny one liners on life

funny one liners on life

Ross Kemp has never seen a game of football before,
because he always leaves before anything kicks off.

I walked into a hotel today. A bloke said "Are you here for the Twitter convention?",
I said "Yes.", so he said "Follow me."

I couldn't really sprint at school, I preferred to take my time and build up my endurance levels,
which benefitted me in the long run.

What do you call a Chinese man with a video camera? Phil Ming

I could hear music coming out of my printer the other day,
bloody paper was jammin' again.

If you want to keep slim take up queue jumping,
it reduces your wait.

A prisoner on Death Row in Utah was allowed to choose his firing squad,
he asked for Fernando Torres.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with health and safety,
I said, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

What do chav's write in their Fathers Day cards?
'To whom it may concern'. 

funny one liners on life

BBC News - 'Gaddafi might have slipped into Jordan', 
is there nothing that woman won't do for publicity! 

Anyone else notice how, "National Rail Timetables", is an anagram of, "all trains aim to be late in"?. 

Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the comb I've had for nearly twenty years. 
I just can't part with it. 

Steve Jobs has resigned to spend his last months pursuing his dream of becoming a chef. 
The first thing he'll make is Apple Crumble 

What's the worst nightmare for a randy pirate? 

funny one liners on life

A sunken chest with no booty

I've just been informed that a distant relative has left me a priceless watch in her will,
I hope it's not a wind up.

If your name is Andre, when writing, you should think twice before you sign off with a kiss.

BBC sport news: 'I used to go down easy', admits Joey Barton, remembering his time in prison. 

funny one liners on life

funny one liners

I just saw a TV programme where Angela Rippon found Joe Strummer's skeleton in some blokes loft,
it was, 'Clash in the Attic'.

If it's the case that girls tend to marry men like their fathers,
you can see why their mothers cry at the weddings.

As part of a school project on cultural diversity, my friends son invited a local Korean family round for dinner,
the school reckon it's the first case of the homework eating the dog they'd ever come across.

My mates girlfriend makes extra money polishing WW2 helmets,
certainly puts a smile on the face of the patients at the Chelsea Pensioners care home.

I had a steak at this restaurant last night that mooed at me,
I thought, that's rare.

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Roamin' Catholic.

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds,
he should move somewhere else.

Why a man should ever want to marry is a mystery,
why a man should want to marry two women is a bigamistery. 

funny one liners on men

funny one liners on life

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!" 

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!" 

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in." 

I know a guy who had his doctor say, "Take some weight off, go to a health club." The man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off! 

funny one liners on men

funny one liners on life

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. 

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!" 

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" 

The Doctor says, "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" 

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!" 

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!" 

The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do?" asks the patient. The doctor says, "I'm mad at my neighbor!" 

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!" 

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...." 

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!" 

very very funny one liners

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
All right, let’s not panic! I’ll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!
Telling a lie is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor, and a Matter of survival for a married man/woman
‎”The only time a girl should fall on her knees for a guy, is the day she tie her son’s shoe-laces.”
Living on Earth is so expensive, but at least it includes a free trip round the Sun! :
I just love it when in a horror movie they yell out “hello?” it like what do they expect the killer to say “yeah I’m in the kitchen want a soda
Best lines by a cockroach to a young man, “I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can
In 19th century masturbation was a disease…!!!!
In this 21st Century masturbation is a cure…!!!
Daughter: Mummy Jack said me to climb the tree ! :/
Mummy: That sick mannered boy ! He wanted to see your panty ! :P
Daughter : I was very clever i removed it before climbing
i heard my neighbour stands in front of mirrors with his eyes closed ,he wants to see what he looks like asleep
what food decreases a womans sex drive by 90%…….wedding cake

quotes funny one liners

i dont think the army should train men to be snipers,most of then cant even aim at a toilet bowl and hit it!
Thousands of people quit smoking every year……….. by dying.
You know what’s good about a dream? You can be with people who are impossible to be with in reality
I like to go up to people playing Solitaire and ask, “Who’s winning?”… :P
These are what my eyes look like during an exam: (←_←)(→_→)(←_←)(→_→)(↑_ ↑)(←_←)(→_→)
My life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat…
The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down!
If monkeys wore skirts, boys wud hv dated them
Disney Channel Auditions: “Can you sing or act?”
I: “Not really.”
Disney: “Perfect, you got the job!”
When I tell you “It’s a long story” It usually means I just don’t want to tell you

one line jokes best

Should women have children after 35?
No, 35 children are more than enough!
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Girlfriend:”And are you sure you love me and noone else?” Boyfriend: “Dead sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.”
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married just to be different.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No, sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much, Dad, just a radio with a sports car around it!

funny one liners on rajni

Chuck Norris once met Rajinikanth. The result – He was reduced to a joke on the internet.
Rajinikanth can judge a book by it’s cover.
Rajinikant electrocuted Iron Man.
Rajinikanth’s first job was as a bus conductor. There were no survivors.
Rajinikanth is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Rajinikanth’s brain works faster than Chacha Chaudhury’s.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Rajinikanth’s fist.
When Rajinikanth shows you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajinikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”.

funny one liners on facebook

Dear Tiger Woods, I think you took our slogan a little too seriously. Sincerely, Nike
Roses are red, Violets are blue, Biches like you belong in the zoo♥♥
Intelligence is like an underwear. You should always have it but you don’t need to show it
Do not store dreams in ur eyes,they may roll down with tears.Store them in ur heart;each beat will inspire u to fulfil them..
Height Of Bravery For Girls ..
Moving Out Of The House Without Make-Up
Roses are red
Facebook is blue
29 mutual frnds
still asking who are you!!
Govt. says Educate a girl n she’ll
educate 4 people at home. But while
she is studying in a college,
5 boys get failed.
Then who is responsible for those
some people are like mosquito’s, they can ruin a good time, suck and need to be slapped!……… :)
definitely finds rumours useful. They tell you all the things you never knew about yourself
Good friends make the world go round, but good beer makes the room go round.
Im a leader. Not a follower. Unless it’s a dark place, then you’re going first…
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong…
The only other thing thats more popular than Facebook’s “Like” button is MySpace’s “Delete Account” button
Putting you’re offline chat on Facebook so it actually looks like you have a life and don’t sit on Facebook all day
If you see a girl with her hair up in a pony tail, she didn’t shower that day
at they end of the day it goes dark
Smile….It keep’s ur enemies confused..!!

funny one liners jokes

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.
I know how to shut up… I just don’t know when
husband: ur cooking is pathetic despite u watch so many cookery shows !
wife: u watch porn .., but do i ever complain
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It’s just that yours is stupid.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions?
If you ever tell a joke and no one laughs, just say I guess that joke was alot like sex.. I get it and you dont!
Dear Google, can u just let me write my sentence before u start guessing !!….:)
My iphone battery can last longer than Facebook relationship ;)
I bought condoms & the cashier said do you need a bag? I replied “No she isn’t that ugly”-
It’s never too late to start. Which is why I’m putting it off till tomorrow.
Ever hear of Feng Shui? It’s an ancient Chinese expression which means, “Put your husband’s crap in the garage.”

best one line joke

The only reason I’m fat is because a tiny body couldn’t store all this personality.
Don’t question GOD b’coz he may say, if you are so eager for answers then please come up.
My girlfriend treats me like GOD !
She takes NO notice of my existence till she wants something :)
i had my flu jab last autumn and got knocked off my bike the next day…….should I risk it again?
Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
‎”The only time a girl should fall on her knees for a guy, is the day she tie her son’s shoe-laces.”
Travel is educational. It teaches you how to get rid of money in a hurry!
As children we complain about homework; as adults we long to work at home
Telling a lie is a fault for a little boy, an art for a lover, an accomplishment for a bachelor, and a Matter of survival for a married man/woman