really funny one liners

• It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
• I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
• Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
• Few women admit their age; few men act it.
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

• Life is too complicated in the morning.

• We are all part of the ultimate statistic-ten out of ten die.
• Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
• Ask me about my vow of silence.
• The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
• The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
• Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
• If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
• If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
• I intend to live forever. So far so good.
• Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
• I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
• I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."