extremely funny one liners

Macho law forbids you to admit you are wrong.
















A girl’s weakest moment is after her strongest drink.


















Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.






















An article of attire to be worn on every conceivable occasion - a condom perhaps. 

funny one liners twitter

I YELL OW! . BEFORE I EVEN KNOW I HURT . . JUST IN CASE








I'm planning on opening a religious gym that teaches power walking combined with doorbell ringing and door knocking. I am going to call it Jehovah's Fitness!










The police say they burn the marijuana they confiscate......which would explain the donuts!










My friends threw me a surprise party!!!! They called it an intervention, but hey, I was surprised.....

funny one liners on twitter

Much like Sports Illustrated, once a year summer gives me swimsuit issues.














I've always wanted to go to Switzerland and see what the army does with those little red knives.
















I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.












Where are you Beth Vance? we want you back!

one liners jokes

I HAVE A PERFECT SWIM SUIT BODY BUT I DON'T SHOW IT OFF MUCH BECAUSE ITS KIND OF A HASSLE TO BRING IT UP FROM THE CELLAR
















That 5 second delay when newscasters are talking to foreign correspondents is the only reason I watch the news.













When did things change? Guys want to see a movie about a teddy bear and girls want to see a movie about strippers!


























I'm dipping my pizza in my beer...I think I'm onto something here.