100 funny one liners

When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook status just to freak people out... "hey, who knew they had wi-fi up here?"

My life is like 1-ply toilet paper..I get the job done but I have no idea how.

Wisdom doesn't always come with age. Sometimes age just shows up by itself.

There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego

Google+ is the "gym" of social networking: We all join, but nobody actually uses it.

funniest one liners

For the first time in a long time everyone in America has something to be thankful for: Desperate Housewives’ final season!





Thanksgiving is that magical time a year when you remember why you only see your family once a year.








If I had one superpower, it would be the ability to punch salesmen through the phone!














Unless "chasing my dreams" consists of a brisk walk, I'm probably not in good enough shape to do it.












I'm pretty jealous of my parents, no one will never have a kid as cool as theirs.












Santa is the ultimate hipster. Works one day a year and spends the rest of the year judging you.

funniest one liners

The words synonym and antonym are antonyms. Well played, antonym. 








Making your font type bigger so it looks like you’ve written more




If any bill collectors call you during this Holiday Season, just hang up on them. Ho ho ho.








I hate when the definition of a word has other words that I have to look up also. 

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

funniest one liners

If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.

Next time your “making love” try screaming your own name

I just found out my Grandpa has alzheimer’s…. He’s totally cool with it. He gets to meet new people everyday!

X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

theres always that one person who always catches you doing something weird

I love Pandas, they`re so chill. They`re like "Dude, racism is stupid. I`m White, Black, and Asian...